So I was reading this article on that sophmore that held his class hostage for six hours and found even more questions in my head. Ones that i am sure everyone was wondering. What was going through his head that made him do this? Was he picked on or popular in his own group? Did anyone in that class try to talk him out of shooting himself? What was causing him so much pain that he thought this was the only way people would listen? Did he try to send messages to let people know he was hurting? It just shocks me that someone can feel that is there only option. Did he try writing it out? Just thinking that this could happen to anyone makes me wounder why no one just comes out and asks someone they trust for help. Maybe it's because we are scared to, we think that no one will understand. I wish people could remember that there is always someone who gets it and is willing to listen. However i don't think that this is a reasonable request because we always are taught to hide our feelings and to be strong.

weird

Ok, so I don't know if anyone else is blogging but I am it feels to weird not to. This week has been trying to say the least. I didn't wirte for like two days and then reilized how much stuff gets caught and held up. That was on saturday and sunday, and it made me really think. We really do need to write just to ourselves even, it helps so much. So no joke on a positive note I found my new favorite band some of you might know them. Their name is H.I.M their from finland. Thier music tends to be about some gothic things but yet it's so beautiful. It makes you think and yet its good enough that I can't get them out of my head. Although I think their music is starting to drive my parents crazy. lol. I guess these are some random things but I just felt to weird not doing a blog. You know? Even just coming on here and writing about next to nothing makes everything seem normal again. Now don't get me wrong I love the crazy life, it's what I deal with everyday. But sometimes it's just nice to have one normal thing in your life. Like someone addicted to tatoos I am addicted to writing. Wow that sounds lame, oh well. Thats all for now Have a Awsome Turkey Day!!

Sorry.

That word, sorry. It gets so old to hear and say. And it seems to be all that can come out of my mouth to you. I'm sorry i don't listen but you act like you always do. But you don't! I do not feel like i ask much from you. If i do tell me I'll stop. I am at a loss for words. It seems that sorry has lost all meaning to both of us. And that is just sad. That the one word that the world knows, we just have no comprehension of anymore.  How could one family use a word so much that the meaning is lost? Tell me another word that has the same meaning and we can try that. I don't know what else you want me to say, TELL ME!!!!

A Man?

What is the defintion of a man? For who knows how long I have been taught that a man is someone who takes care of his family. But that can't be it, can it? Shouldn't a man treat his woman with respect? Treat her as his equal? requinez that his son has become a good man, and is daughter smart and repectable? Shouldn't he provide safty for his daughter when she is scared? Let his kids be kids when they were little not make them grow up so fast? Allow others and himself to admit and make mistakes? To listen when things are hard? To hear people out? To show kindness when it is needed and muscle and tough love when that is needed? The hardest lessons are these ones. But isn't this what a man should be or is this just a defintion of a dad? Are they any diffrent from eachother? Or are they completly the same? Do you not have to be a man and dad at the same time? What brought all these questions on was that my dad began to yell at my mom as if she was a child and if a man did that to me you best bet he would regret it. On a positive note though my brother Franz is back from Iraq and I am so completly happy even if i am sick. He's back safe and alive.

We'll See

Once again you tell me you realize your faults and that they are not good for you. That he is the heroin and you are the addict who is strong but then relapses. You say you want no more part of him but alas i have heard it before. For now I will hold hope in my barricaded heart. I will work along side you to be ride of your drug once more. But how many relapses can one person help you through? I am not the only one who saw it, you said so yourself. So this time will you hold true to your word? Or will you falter and fall once again? This drug you are addicted to is not one you smoke or inject into your skin but one much more powerful. It is a controlling, so called Godly man, your baby's father. Someone you will never be rid of. But will you continue to allow yourself these harmful ways? Will you get back with him because the church says it's right? I hope you can make the decision for for you and your son. And whatever it is I pray it's right.

READ ME!!!

brother and sister

Everyone always trys to pit us against eachother. But it seems as if no one can understand how much we have been their for eachother. She try's anything. Fills our heads with lies about one another. Bashes our parents in front of the girls. Who knows what she says about us. And I still think it's funny that we just come back and tell one another what she said. It may seem wrong for us to do this but at the same time it's not. You told me it's us against the family. And thats true. Neither side wants us so we don't want or need them. You have brought me more brothers and a relationship with you guys that you only get to hear about once and a whiel. Thank you for that, i love you.

out there

Is that you?
Are those your eyes i feel watching me?
Hello?
Maybe I'm crazy.
Maybe I'm not.
Can it be you that I feel?
That i hear?
That i sense?
Answer me, please.
Is that you?

giggle giggle hehe

Grins,giggles,and bright light
not one shade of night
i no longer have to fight
no longer do i have to use all my might
Grins,giggles, and bright light
That will be my new life

Judgment

Your dark cold eyes follow me like a child follows candy. I can feel your judgment before it comes from your mouth. No one else sees it but they hear of it. You do not know that others feel the coldness of your words. That they have seen the tears you cause roll down my face. They are the ones who comfortated me when no one else would. But when im alone with you no one can help. Comfort can come but the feeling can leave just as quickly. As if it's a professional runner going for the gold. Your words and judgment will always be with me but yet you think that it doesn't matter. You feel I need a tougher skin, but how can i build one when you just build sharper knives? Nothing helps but to write. YOu do not see the damage that you cause. Or do you just not care? I need answers from you. Will you ever tell me or am i doomed to live in the darkness of wounder?

Your a Bitch!

You are always trying to pit me against someone else. You sit there and say you are not judgemnetal but yet you are more judgemental then him. How can you do this? YOu know i love them and how can you say what you said. But oh well. I'll let you just throw your bitch fit and let you think you're right. Even if you are not. Oh well what can i say. Thats you and you don't want to change and i can do nothing to change it. YOu are who you are and i am who i am. Let bigons be bigones.

gone

Your gone
The one who never judged me
Who never thought I was an idiot
Who just loved me for me
Never again can your brown eyes make me smile
Or comfort me when tears sream from my eyes
Your gone
And thats thats
So why can't I let you go?

How?

Stupid water is what the Native Americans called it. Maybe they were right. Alcohol causes people to talk stupidly and truthfully. But how do you know which is which? Coming home and yelling at the two people who never judge you, yelling that they are ungrateful, saying you won't help, thinking it's your younger sisters job to make sure you eat. That's when it is stupid water. I understand people drinking socially or just a beer or glass of whine with dinner but to drink so much that you hurt those you claim to love is too much. That's when it is stupid water. To get so drunk that you act daftly, that you speak without knowing is wrong. Why would you drink that much? Theres no need for it. All it does is cause pain to you and those you love. You want to protect us but yet you can hurt us worse of all. When tears come from words that you have said they literally burn my face while they roll down my cheeks. You have no idea that you do this. How can I tell you? In your eyes their is no problem, you do not speak words like that.

WOW!

It's realy annoying when your dad doesn't act like a dad but more like a childish fool. When he thinks that when ever someone in the house has something he wants he  is just intitled to it. He hasnt done shit for me except be there finacially and break me down emotionaly. Yet there is nothing i can do to make any diffrence about it. He is a incoiderate ass. He finds nothing wrong with himself but yet he can find all the faults in his children and his wife. He is the kind of person i never want to be. Yet i am fearfull that i will be like him because sometimes we become so focused on not being like someone that we become them. The only thing now that i can do is hope and pray to be me not my dad, not my mom, not my brother, just me. I think thats enough and if other people don't then they can suck a toe. I am who i am. Over time that will change just like it does with everyone and hopefully those changes will be for the better.

elephant

Ok, so last night I went to church with me friend and something said there made me realy think. It was a story about a elephant that was captured as a baby. And as a baby it's captors chained it to a large tree with a chain so heavy that it couldn't break free. And for months the elephant tried to escape but eventualy gave up and became used to it's limits. Over time the captors repalce the heavy chain and tree with a thin leather strap and tiny wooden steak. However the elephant still didn't leave, because in it's mind it was still chained. So he lived out his  life unhappy and died sadly. He didn't escape because a elephant can never forget what trying to escape felt like and that giving up was easier. This story made me think of friends ad family, just people in general. Are we so scared to push barriers and break down walls that bind us to what people think is proper that we become like this elephant and just give up? Why are people so afraid to be diffrent, to stand out? Our whole lives we have been taught how to properly behave in stiuations. But who ever said that what we have been taught is right? One person may be taught one thing is right and someone else another. Why do we let scociety bind us to a emaginary chain with a tree? Is it out of fear or just because giving up is the easier way? Why not challenge the things we feel wrong? Why not fight for what we belive in? Why are we that elephant?

ANGER

Anger flids and fills her heart
All she feels is hatred towards all
Scared of what can happen if controll is lost
No one around her takes the danger seriously
What to do with this fear of herself she does not know
Fear and anger may fill her
But it drives her to not let her spirit die
so is it good or bad
Does it kill her or keep her alive
Anger and fear flud her heart but it fules the the fier that is her sole
It keeps her strong in a world that tries to beat her down